I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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