Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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