why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
