fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
