It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I didn't notice because vodka
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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