Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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