I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
