I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
