got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
