I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I still have a little drunk in my system
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
