11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
