We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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