I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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