It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Are we still banned from the library?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
