just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
