Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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