Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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