I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
