just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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