I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize