Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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