I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
