yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
