Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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