I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
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