life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I deserve this hangover.
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