Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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