it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
