so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
And then he peed in my hair
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