So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
