i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize