Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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