Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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