Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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