He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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