Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
