I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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