I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
