Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
