Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
