I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
