why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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