dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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