you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
