I wish I could teleport
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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