this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
