And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
