she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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