i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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