Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
