My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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