I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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