I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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