Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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