i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
how do flat chested girls get laid?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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