I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize